Half Assing It

I can’t tell you how many half-assed unfinished pieces of writing I have floating around in my laptop.  Some of them are unfinished blog posts that fizzled out and stank so bad and I couldn’t bear for them to see the artificial light of cyberspace.

And then there is the novel.  The novel is grand in scope but scares me to death.  What will happen?  How do I fill in the middle?  I have an outline but what if it totally sucks?  Maybe I should just leave it at page 60 where it is and let it die.

Oh, and then there is the cook book.  It is pretty personal.  I am writing it for my family.  It started out with the title Recipes From My Head.  My kids seem to have flown the coop for good and they both wanted the recipes they grew up with.  The problem is that I don’t really use recipes and neither does their dad.  Dad is too busy to comply but I am writing it and then I came across a whole slew of my mother’s best recipes, which, not surprisingly, are not very exact but I can read and translate them.  I pretty motivated to do this because I don’t want them to all scatter and fall apart.  My deadline for this effort is by the holidays of this year.

Next is the children’s book.  I have been working on it off and on for several years.  You wouldn’t believe it but I have an illustrator who has hung in there with me even when I let it sit for a year or more.  I really want it done.  Right now, since I am in Covid prison, I am re-drafting it and we are sending back and forth.  I am also trying to recruit a third reader.

One more thing: I want to turn a lot of my blog material from way back in 2013 until now into an actual book.  ( I have mentioned this before but I now see a way forward.)  There is a lot of stuff that will not make it into the book.  It is painfully horrid to read some of it.  But, there is stuff I can re-read and stand.  Some of it I think might be good or useful to others.  I want to edit all of that, write bridges between the sections (I guess chronologically) and just go for it.

So, it looks to me like I can keep myself busy for some time to come.  Between writing and doing my 15 hours a week online tutoring and trying to take care of a big house and lots of pets and daily (makes me happy) calls with my kiddos; I can do this.  I can go out and walk… the doctor just told me to wear a mask even walking outside (crap).  Oh, I am applying for adjunct jobs just in case there is a fall semester…  But, all in all, I can survive all of this shit just fine.

I just don’t want anyone to get sick.  I don’t want the world to come crashing down like it is and I really don’t want to be depressed, angry or feel like I am going to jump out of skin because the weeks keep passing and I can’t tell what day it is.

I have walked until I enflamed my knee and every other lupusy joint in my body.  I have finished binging on Star Trek.. (live long.. and prosper) to the horror of my fellow inmates.  I have baked way too much… I’m stopping… I promise.  I have made to do lists that I sometimes follow.  I have even cleaned out corners of the house I had previously pretended didn’t exist.

But what I really struggle with is why are there so many mixed messages out there?  I guess I know why.  We are a large and very diverse country and our federal government is definitely not at its best right now.  We hear one thing from the top health officials and in the same breath we see leaders that dismiss expert opinion.

We see state governments trying to respond in a no win situation.  People need money to live but going out to work will end up killing more people.  These are all bad choices.  I find myself getting angry and sad that our country cannot find a way to cooperate and attack the problem as one entity.  It is very personal to me because, well, you know, I don’t want to die.   I will be stuck in my house until there is a treatment, at least.  My husband will be stuck with me.  My poor niece is stuck with both of us until she moves away for law school:  Even that is messed up by this.

We all have lives to get back to.  We would all like to actually have lives… and livelihoods.  We are a wealthy country and Texas is a very wealthy state.  Why are we in this mess?

I won’t harp on this anymore.  I am just chasing my tail and the dogs look way more cute when they do it.  I am just frustrated and I miss my family.

Hell, I even miss the grocery store.

I am sure I am not the only immune challenged freakoid who feels this way.

This blog entry is trending hard toward half assery.

I had better stop and not go any further into the country of Whineland.

I just pray (and I really do pray) that all my peeps are safe and healthy and that all of the first responders get relief and rest and don’t get sick themselves.  I pray that all of the fine minds focused on how to stop this mother ducker will come up with a way.  And I pray for everyone… all of us… globally.  Wouldn’t it be cool if this pandemic is what brought us together as a planet?  What if we suddenly realized that being human was enough and that national borders and all of the other man made distinctions we have created are just B.S?  If that happened and Covid 19 is what made it so, I would welcome wearing the stupid mask while I walk.

I know, I am a hippy dreamer.

But, it nevers hurts to dream.

Stay well.