I have had some rough times. If you have read this blog for any length of time, or you know me personally, you know that. I spent the years between 2011 and 2018 in and out of the hospital, struggling with a variety of ailments and with a snowball effect of one autoimmune or primary immune disease causing another.
But the really good news is that since January of 2019 I have not been hospitalized.
I have not been going to the ER on the regular either.
I have reached a sort of tenuous equilibrium. I realize it could fall apart but I try to keep it going each day.
I have learned a lot. The list of things looks like this and they are in no particular order:
- Eat carefully and keep losing weight. (I have lost about 100 lbs. )
- Stay sane. (This is a tough one because I am a worrier.)
- Exercise.
- Have fun.
- Love and accept myself for who I am and how I look right now.
- Be patient with my body when it doesn’t act normal, ever.
- Let G_d in and remember I am not alone.
- Don’t let Covid 19 and the quarantine that knows no end get me down.
- Don’t let the sad state of affairs in our country get me down any more than I can handle.
- Remember to be grateful for the wonderful things.
- When I am in pain, acknowledge it but don’t freak out. Realize that it will get under control in some way and that going to see a doctor in any setting probably won’t fix the problem.
- Let myself off the hook when I need to rest. (This is a tough one.)
- Try to maintain some sort of sleep hygiene. (A work in process.)
- Figure out who I am without children around.
- Figure out where I belong as a functioning adult with her own life.
I think that is enough. I will say that sleep is a big problem just now. I have always had insomnia but lately I am losing sleep entirely about two nights a week. I am going to try some pre sleep meditation podcasts. I am willing to learn how to hypnotize myself if that is possible.
I guess the point here is that I have come to realize that the only person driving the me – bus is me. That is not to say that G-d isn’t there. G-d is on the bus, with the bus, around the bus and watching me drive. But I believe we have the gift of free will. Very often we either misuse it and blame the consequences on the Almighty or don’t get what we want and blame that on the Almighty. Neither of those options work for me at all.
I believe the Almighty is right there, listening and hoping I will tune in on His/Her Divine channel so I can listen to what it is that is best for me. If I do, I will notice a few things: Life is endlessly complicated and endlessly beautiful. It is up to us to take responsibility for every single thing we do. Like I always say: there is no such thing as black and white (and I mean this on every level) everything is a shade of gray!
There are no absolute answers . We just have to take responsibility and go through each day with what we are given. Even when it is a bad day . Even when it is painful or scary.
The only way for me to fix myself is to care for my body the best that I can. I am done being angry for being sick and I am done hoping it will go away and I am done wishing I can go away and I am done whining into my spilt milk.
I am in charge. I chose to take care of this body no matter what shape it is in.
That is the only way forward.
One shaky foot at a time.