New Focus

I  am looking forward to NOT trying to do so many things.  I hope this narrowing of scope will allow me to keep my self more at ease. Ease is good for a sick body and my body has been feeling unwell of late.  I don’t know where to begin with doctors to get things checked out or which part of me needs an overhaul so I just hang out and hope it will go away.

That may sound naive’ or stupid or like I am an ostrich, with her head buried deep in the sand.  I’m really not.  I am just badly burned by past experience.  I  can guess at it: “hmmm maybe this is rheumatological… I do have a low grade fever and my joints are hurting and I am really tired.” Or I might think a few more minutes and tell myself, “yeah, but my stomach seems upset all of the time so it could be a pancreas thing.”

The real point is that I don’t know.  If I start going to doctors and taking new pills it is like pulling one string in a ball of yarn.  It probably won’t unravel things, but it will just make more knots and each new knot will require more treatments and then the whole merry go ’round of doctors and symptoms could just get started again.

I really do have PTSD from the bad years of all of this.  I would rather accept a slightly lower quality of life than one that requires me to take any more weekly and daily treatments than I already do.

This probably isn’t rational.  But, I can’t help it.

I look things up on google like any idiot can and I see the life expectancy for people with even one of my diseases and wonder why the hell am I still here?  If I go poking any of the sleeping monsters that live inside me, will they wake up and carry me off?

I guess I am scared.

I know for a fact though, that after I feel bad for a while, I get to a point where between the aches and the fatigue and the other symptoms, I just want a solution.  So, I start digging.

I started digging this week.  On Monday I had to see a neurologist and I didn’t like it because she wants me back in two weeks for some mysterious testing and said it will be good if all I have is carpal tunnel.

I am getting tested for a big time UTI but no results yet.

I just left a message with rheumatology that I think I need bloodwork.  I have not woken up feeling well a single day this week.  It has been a struggle every single day.  It makes moving forward with anything difficult.

I am a big bore to myself and others this way.

So, I decided to not take classes at the seminary for now. I can’t.  I am tapped out from work and I want to finish editing my book and enjoy what energy I do have.  It is dissapointing in a way but a relief in others.

I will not work this summer.

I should, but I need the time off.  I have to priorize my health.  That is the fact and  I can’t change it and I have decided to aknowledge reality rather than keep running and being dissapointed when things don’t work. This is what I mean by a new focus.

I am grateful for many, many things:

My country is not being blown apart by Russians.

My children are safe and healthy.

I don’t want for anything,

My insurance doesn’t want to fill my igg prescription because the generic version is cheaper.  My doctor doesn’t approve because I have so many reactions. She argued and appealed a few months ago and won.  Now, she is doing it again.  I just got a call saying the appeal was turned down, again.

How is this possible?  How can insurance dictate medication prescribed by a doctor?

I am grateful though that she fights on my behalf.  Also I will send a note to our national Immune Defense Fund.  They are fighting this sort of thing in Congress.   Crazy world….

Anyway, may we all focus on the things/people and places that make us whole.