Change really is the only constant in life… duh.

The last year has been an emotional roller coaster in so many ways  but the one that has me rocketing back and forth today is that fact that my children, my babies, have really flown the nest for good this time.  I know this is how the story is supposed to go!  It is just harder in practice than it looks:(

My daughter got engaged in July to her lovely, perfect, boyfriend from Brazil.   We couldn’t have been happier.  We love him and think she is very lucky to have found such a great match.  They are obviously very happy together and I think they have what it takes to succeed in marriage, which is a good thing,  because they got married in August!

For many practical reasons, they had a quick, court wedding by themselves and we were planning a wedding ceremony for April.  But, life stepped in and put it’s large, smelly foot in the middle of our plans.  Several things happened:

  1. Our son in law got a great job offer in Colorado Springs!
  2. Brazil decided to quit offering new visas to the U.S. for a while.  You see they have their own President Trump only he is still in office and this means some of his family can’t come for the wedding.
  3. We just have to put a pin in the wedding thing and wait.

So they had a grand total of three weeks to pack and move from San Antonio to Colorado Springs.  They did a great job and we helped out.  All of last week was spent with them in their new city.  My husband and I pulled a trailer full of their stuff and their dog (not in the trailer!) up to meet them and we just did some moving stuff and some fun stuff together for a few days.  And then we left.

That was hard.

I am so happy they get to have this new adventure.  I think it is good for them and they will enjoy all the challenges and rise to them, of course.  It is just selfishness on my part that I can’t see them in a day.  I will just hold on to the fact that Christmas/Hannukah isn’t too far away and we will see them then.

My son, who turned 22 on Monday, and his lovely girlfriend, 23, found a place and were moving out of our house as we got home.  This is also a good thing.  They are happy to be back out on their own.  I could tell from my son’s frustrated responses of late that he was ready to be independant again and I totally get it.

Actually, I am so proud of both kids.  They are out doing what they are supposed to do: They are adulting! They are in steady relationships and are forming their own little families.  I just never knew it would be both of them at the same time.  And I never knew that when it happened I would see their rooms empty of their stuff and feel such a sense of nostalgia for days gone by.

I can’t help it but to rewind the clock, like a movie in reverse and see them coming out of their rooms at different times, different years, in different sizes and I hear their voices shrieking with laughter or shrieking at each other.   Each of them was always so different from the other but they both were always loving and sensitive to each other and to us.  I miss the shrieking:(.  I even miss the socks and stuffed animals strewn everywhere.

I noticed one the few things my son left in his closet was the stash of legos.  I am surprised because he was just using them a couple of weeks ago.  I am sure every parent can relate to the feeling of stepping on a sideways facing lego in the middle of the night: Crap but those things hurt!

So, here I am.  I am feeling terribly nostalgic for days gone by and yet I know there are good days to come.  They will just be different.  But it is hard because being mom has been my most favorite job ever.  Now I am just left with a tutoring job that is really frustrating and a body that doesn’t do all the things I would like it to.

But  that isn’t the whole truth, is it?

There is more.  I am just in a low place today.

Tomorrow I will climb back up into the valley of abundance and look down on all of the things that  are offered to people without dependant children.

I think at least 50% of what I am writing about here is fear.  What am I afraid of?

The rest of my life.

What will I do with it?

Am I too old to expect much?

Let me be clear here: I always used to say I would accept aging gracefully and embrace it, blah, blah, blah.  I said this in front of my mother who clearly DID NOT accept aging gracefully at all and she was not quiet about it.

She bitched all the way and complained.  And while she bitched and moaned and told everyone how she was resisting age, she looked fabulous doing it and never let much of anything slow her down or age her.  She fought breast cancer twice and stage four breast cancer for over ten years and had no intention of slowing down.  She always looked like she was in perfect health and she was always the boss lady.    I think I must have some of that in me.

But I am learning that the boss lady thing only goes over well in certain places.  Namely, it needs to be more of an internal attitude that than an external one.

Mom could be a bit pushy at times.

I don’t want to be that way.  But I do want to believe in my own ability to be in the driver’s seat in my life as I go forward from here.

I am not done just because my kids are grown.  I can’t be.

There are too many things I still want to do.

Screw Covid and Screw all my dumb diseases!

Watch out World!  I haven’t even gotten started.