Step on a Crack and …

You remember the saying, right? “Step on a crack and you’ll break your mother’s back.”

I guess one of my kids must have stepped on one.  I have had an increase in back pain over the last couple of months so I called the pain doctor to ask how to deal with it. The PA called back and said that after looking at my files I needed a CT of my spine.  The level of osteoporosis I have is simply going to cause breakdowns, she said.

It took a lot of shennanigans to get the CT done and to extract the results from the doctor’s office.  Apparently, the diagnosis was not a problem for them so they were not in any hurry to notify me.

When I finally spoke to someone I found out I have compression fracture in my L2, so very low down and just above the area I broke in 2016.  I was sort of surprised to hear I am walking around broken.

I was even more surprised to hear that the doctor’s office seem to think it was no biggie.  I was told more than once, “yeah well, it is just a chronic injury for you so you will just have to deal.”

At the moment we are on a much needed vacation and I am just ‘dealing’ with it.  I will go see the orthopedist when we get back home.  I realize there may be no real fix but I want to explore all of the options.  I am sure as hell not going to accept the situation as is without trying to make things better.

In one way it is just yet another thing to add to my list.  But it is also something I feel sort of resentful about.  I only have advanced osteoporosis because of the malabsorbtion issues I have thanks to my mostly dead pancreas.  Why does my back have to break too?

Now I am terrified of falling.

I don’t like feeling fragile.

I know I have mentioned that before.

I have become very driven about getting exercise and eating well in the last few years.  In fact, this year of the pandemic seems to have made all of the things I have wanted to put into practice finally gel.  I am exercising three or four times a week and I keep my diet pretty limited to things I know are good for me and just don’t eat anything else.

This has made me stronger, faster, leaner and improved my energy levels.

However there are still issues to contend with.

Like I have said before, there will always be issues and I have to accept them as part of the picture and keep moving. That is: I choose to keep moving. I choose to live my life and not cower in fear of the next break or the next flare or the next infection.  There is no point in that.

We just spent two blissful weeks on vacation.. just me and the hubs.  It was so awesome to be vaccinated and out and about in states like, New Mexico and Colorado that have actual laws about mask wearing and social distancing.  Gee, it was like being in a land of rational people:  Imagine that!

There was snow up in the Colorado mountains every day we were there but it was so pretty and blissful because we didn’t have to do anything:)

Vacations should be a right.  I realize I am lucky to take them.  I feel bad for people who don’t ever get to. Without those times and experiences I don’t think my mental health would be intact after the last year.  And after those two weeks of relaxation I became aware that a lot of my ‘issues’ with my day to day health fell away. This tells me what I already knew: Stress is the biggest bugabear in my life.  I think it is probably true of us all.

So how do we rid our lives of stress, or of dis-ease as one psychologist called it?

I haven’t the faintest.



Snowpacolypse ’21

What funny little things we humans are.  So many of us thought 2021 would bring about a dramatically better year.  And, to be fair, some things are starting to slowly improve,

But just when you think it’s safe to go back in the water what should happen but… a week of total breakdown in our modern systems due to inclement weather in Texas.

This is our third day without running water and we are very lucky.  People across the state do not have power and we have had it this whole time.  The record breaking cold and snow and ice have completely frozen our poorly constructed infastructure.   We are trying to keep our heat turned down low and our lights off to preserve what energy we can for those in need across the grid.  My daughter, her boyfriend and my little, red golden retriever grand dog are all here too, stuck with us.

I feel like a useless appendage.  I have been tired and not much help with scraping ice and shoveling snow.  My bones are basically full of holes and I am afraid to fall down outside and snap myself in two.  I have been cooking as much as I can but today’s cooking adventure in peanut butter cookies was vetoed as a waste of energy.  Ok.  I guess not?

I just don’t have much to do because my work and everything else is canceled.

I have had a hard time concentrating on anything.  I guess it is because I have the more immediate concerns of getting the dogs out and collecting water from drippy faucets when I’m lucky, and boiling drinking water.

The above was written on snowpacalype day three.

Today is snowpacalypse day 4:

I am a little better today.  I mean my attitude is better, which helps. To be honest, after infusing my Igg on Tuesday, I didn’t sleep that night so yesterday was sort of awful.

Today is what it is.  I am trying to roll with it.  I am making 16 bean soup and Spanish rice.  If someone wants to grill fajita meat we can have that for dinner too.  We actually made it out of the house and went  the 1/2 mile to Costco and back.  It was pretty bare in there but I was glad to go.  It was probably not the best Covid decision but I was masked and didn’t stay long.

I am trying really hard NOT to think about how awful this is in terms of catastrophic failure of the electric and power grid in our state goes.  This whole week has been catastrophic and will still leave behind it a trail of dead people.  As if Covid hasn’t taken enough lives now more will die senselessly as a result of poor governing.  That makes me very angry.

This whole situation had made me reflect on the fact that I am more fragile than I would like to be.  I have to be extra careful not to fall on the ice because my bones are brittle.  The stress and the cold have made me  hurt worse and feel sick to my stomach.  I am not included and some of the outdoor plans and that really sucks.  I understand but I still feel isolated and yucky about it.

I want my old body back! It wasn’t all that great but I would give anything to walk back and re-do whatever it is I must have done wrong so I could not be sitting where I am now.

I am not feeling sorry for myself.  I promise.

I just want to know if there were time travel, could I fix this by somehow doing things better?

My dad always warned me to not follow in his footsteps.  He was sick a lot:   a heart attack at 42, emergency quadruple bypass at 54 and then dead of renal cancer at 66.  He always told me that I had to slow down and calm down and not care so darn much about everything.  He was worried I would get sick too.  I know that there is more to it than that but I wish I could have heeded his warning somehow.  I also hope I make it past 66, since he and my uncle both died at that age,(brothers).  My siblings have already outlived our sweet daddy.  I still miss him every day.

So, what has this to do with the snowpacalypse?

Much later date:

I don’t  think it had anything to do with the snowpacalype.  I think I was freaked out and stressed because we were in the middle of a natural disaster!

That is my prognosis and the truth.

Snowpacalype was a tough, tough week for us and the rest of Texas.  I am going to end this here: It was character building.