It Is Lonely Out Here…

These last few months have been particularly isolating.  I was/ am a very social person; an extrovert.

I used to get my social jollies out by teaching and interacting with my colleagues at the University.  So, even if we did not get together with friends or go out much at home, it didn’t really matter.

My husband is an introvert supreme.  Working in a team based,office environment all week is exhausting for him.  He does a great job of being social in that setting  but on the weekend he really needs to detox.

Since I became chronically ill, many things have changed, obviously.  One of those is any pretense whatsoever at a social life.

I no longer teach and most weeks I seem to just survive kid care and animals.  On the weekends, we recoup, try to reconnect and do chores.  We sometimes go out to eat or go to a movie but that is about it.  We do a lot of driving around and dropping off kids and picking up kids, which is fine.

I know that if I want any of this to change I have to do it for myself.  Yet, I seem to not make the effort.  Whenever push comes to shove, I spend what time and energy I do have with my husband.  I feel like my energy needs to go to that relationship.

But I have to say, it does get mighty lonely.

I used to call my dad every day when he was alive.  After his death in 1994, I called mom every day.  She died in 2010.  I find that with both of them gone, I don’t have much of a sounding board.  I am the grown up.  I notice my daughter, a freshman in college, is starting to call me most days:)  It’s sweet.

I sometimes wish I had the kind of sister I could call all the time: I don’t.

I talk with my brother about once a week but it isn’t like, you know, girly talk.

So, why am I bitching?  I don’t know.  I just feel sort of isolated with my chronic crap.  I am sidelined.  I wonder if it will ever change.  Will my life be like this from here on out?

That thought sort of scares me.  I cannot imagine my life this way. I suppose it will change.  When my son graduates from high school in four years, there will be a huge new gap in my life.  Maybe, just maybe, I will get healthier.

I just need to get outside: outside of myself and outside of my life a bit.  The way to do that for me is to go out and be social.  I just have to get up the get go to do it.

OH well.  At least I am writing today!  That is something!