I am here, it seems. I have arrived at middle age with a great big hrrmph.
My knees are creaking and my hip is dipping and my back feels like it is broken.
Wait! Is this the connective tissue disease? Is it the CVID?
No. I don’t think it is any of those. It is a bad case of fat.
Yes, I said that.
I am over weight. I fight it all the time and yet it is still a dirty fact. I read about fat shaming and positive body image and about fatkinis (those are bikinis for big ladies) and all the rest. I even looked over a bunch of nude photos of the late Leonard Nimoy’s that were a celebration of big women. (Spock was a perv!).
I stared at those photos, wondering if I look like any of the fat women in them. Am I the really roly poly one with the thighs like tree trunks? Or am I like the slightly less voluminous one who has the lovely face and is kicking her leg way up high?
Why, in fact, do I care?
I do not hate fat people. In fact, I am my own worst judge.
Like many women, I have been inculcated into the league of the imperfect woman. I was never this or that or whatever enough to be beautiful. But, I lived through it. I grew up and I got over it.
What I am worried about now is my damned joints. I know that the less weight I carry, the better. And yet, my body does NOT like to let go of weight. I have been on a lot of nasty drugs that have nasty side effects that include bloating.
I have also been on some that are supposed to be appetite suppressants: so what the hell?
Do I just accept this and move on? Or, creak and wheeze down the road… as I am?
That has never been my way.
Instead, I start Weight Watchers for the upteenth millionth fucking time again tomorrow. I have to. I have to do it for myself and for my family. My son, who takes after me in so many ways, is doing it too.
For him, I will make this work.
I will do whatever it takes.
No more creaking and groaning. I’m gonna lighten the load. And if WW doesn’t do it, I am going to get a lap band if my doctors allow it. I am not sure it is possible but I am definitely thinking of it. I am not afraid. I think the benefits might outweigh the risks. (Pun intended).
We’ll see, I really need to do it this way if I can.
Day by day is the only way….
Creak, grunt, groan eeeeek.
You are none of those ladies – you are medium sized and sweet and adorable. One good thing for us all as we women gaine a little weight in middle-age is that it’s better for our bones! It helps us not have osteoporosis if we have a little more weight. I encourage you to eat real food and enjoy it. Weight watchers is a good program and I’m sure you and Samuel will do well with it. I wish you luck, and mostly acceptance.