Where Do I Begin?

I just did a very bad thing.  I read through a post that I never published.

I remember now why I never published it.

Now I am crying.

Well, enough of that shit.  I need to get my chin up and go on.  There is no time for self pity or sadness or any of that.

My latest and greatest medical achievement has been getting a port a cath on Thursday.  A  port a cath is a little button next to your clavicle that has a connection running through it and straight on down to your main artery.  It is a permanent way to get an IV.

I have needed this for a long time.  But, as is usual with me, I have not healed very well.

I am red, swollen and in pain way past when I should be.  I ended up on antibiotics.

I have no real idea if it is getting better because I still have a temp but then, I often do run a temperature.

I feel worn out and worn down and weepy to be honest.

Yesterday I just slept all day and all night and ate vegan donuts.  It was nice.

But, I have to get up and running. There are things to do and I need to be on the go.

Something interesting happened on Saturday: I became my mother!

I had to laugh through the tears.

Because I was feeling so rough and because my family did not want to hear about it, I was talking to myself.  This is something my mother did a lot of!

It used to drive everyone nuts!

Now I have done it.

My husband told me that the kids (and he) thought I was “on” something or that my behavior was bothering them.

After a bit of probing I discovered the problem was that I had been talking to myself.

The question is, why was I doing this?

I figured it out.

I needed my mom.  I get really desperately lonely with my illness sometimes and I miss having my mommy.  She may have talked to herself but she always listened to me.

I think my subconscious was channeling her by talking.

Weird? Yes. It is very, very weird! But I was trying to give myself what I needed.

I don’t get it at home.

That isn’t anyone’s fault.  It is what it is.

So today I started to get in the shower and get dressed and such and I realized I was doing it again.  I even started to narrate what it was I was doing and remark on how I felt.

Oh no!  I realized I was doing it again.  If I am not careful I will do it all the time and my family will really have enough of me.

So, I am practicing being quiet.

My thoughts, my comments, my feelings, all need to stay quietly locked up in my head.

I figure it is safe enough if I let  my inner mommy talk to me in there. I know she still cares.

And I know she is never too, too far away.

So, mom, I need your input.

Daddy, you too.

My life is kind of scary and uncertain and I feel lonely and sad.  You two were my protectors: my great wall of China.

I still need to talk to you.

But, let’s keep it on the down low, okay?

I know you can hear me anyway.





2 Replies to “Where Do I Begin?”

  1. I’m leaving you a reply here because it is more private than FB and I didn’t want my mommy to see. I feel you on this posting. Well, I always empathize, but I feel you here. I don’t talk to my father any longer because he is a toxic person. You and I have talked privately about my mom situation. However, it is so true what you say about needing our mommies and daddies. I don’t miss my dad any more. But, I do miss having a mom that listens. I don’t think now looking back that my mom ever did listen. I continued asking myself today, what am I doing? Why don’t I love myself and do the things I want? It seems to always be someone else’s turn. Then I read your update and feel badly that I am whining to myself about my “career” and my “interests”. Silly! I’m sorry you are in chronic pain and chronic illness. I sincerely wish I could help. However, we do both miss our moms, so that is something, I hope. hugs!

    1. of course it is something! I don’t know how you are managing to keep your head up with your work situation and with Hal looking for a job and all the stress from your mom. I am very aware that we lose our moms in bits and pieces, though. My mom left in little tiny pieces due to cancer and its ugliness.
      I am sure your mom, who still loves you, is in there.
      Big, big, hug!

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