Month: October 2024

I Will Remember

 

I will always remember.

I could never forget. 

The way that you felt.

The way that you smelled.

You smelled just like you 

And nobody else. 

Will you remember me? 

So long you have been gone now.

What is it like? 

In the great, big beyond? 

I have no illusions. 

There are no streets paved of gold. 

I can’t imagine how silly you would look with a golden harp or 

A pair of wings. 

But I hope against hope that there is a place 

Where someday, somehow I can see you again

Face to face.  

And I will recognize you 

And you will recognize me 

And whatever we have for hearts will once again be crushed 

Together when you press me to your chest and pat my head 

And call me your baby. 

 

Life is hard as an orphan. 

I miss the security of knowing you 

Always had my back. 

It didn’t matter that I 

Was grown or that I 

Thought I knew more, or that 

I lived somewhere else. 

I just always knew that 

Somewhere on this earth, 

Probably in the same location, roughly, 

Where I grew up, there was someone, or two someones that 

Thought I was amazing.  

Who thought of nothing but unconditional  love and support for me. 

 

How do I know this?  

Well, I knew it because you lived it for me! 

You were perfectly imperfect.  

And because of that I know that same ache 

For my children as they have spread their wings. 

I will never stop having their backs. 

I will never stop thinking they are amazing. 

I will never stop loving and supporting them without conditions. 

 

It is tough to live up to such a high standard!  

 

I will never stop worrying their flights will make them fall from the 

Sky. 

But I know from all that you gave me that I can be right there, 

Arms and heart wide open, when they need me. 

 

But I will remember you.  

With Every Atom of My Being. 

Because you are Me. 

And I Am YOU, 

And for that I am 

So 

Deeply 

Grateful 

To 

Heaven. 

 

KKT

Today is a fine day for me.  I am in Colorado visiting my daughter and son in law in beautiful Colorado Springs.  The weather is lovely.  We walked around the Broadmoor and saw the Helen Hunt Falls.  We followed that up with a delicious meal at one of the many local brew pubs in town.

There is absolutely nothing  to be sad about in my day.

And yet, here I am feeling as though my soul has been ripped out.

Oh yeah, I open my email and read my favorite Rabbi’s (Danya Ruttenberg’s “Life is a Sacred Text” blog post for today).  I knew what today was.  I had been marking the days.  I knew the high holy days and the anniversary of the horror of last year in Israel on this day would converge.

My feelings, like anyone’s,  are complicated.  But they are complicated by the fact that I am a Jew in a sea of non-Jews:  It’s awkward.

Rabbi Ruttenberg writes about grief and she writes about binary thinking, about the idea that the only “good” type of Jew is the one who is against everything that Israel is doing because it is so obviously bad.  It isn’t that simple. I feel the effects of  that though.  I am a liberal,  an intellectual  and I am a pacifist.

I am horrified by all of the killing in Gaza.  I feel sickened by the spread of the war into Lebabnon.  I want to cry out and scream when I see the bloodied bodies of children pasted across the evening news.

I think  I feel ashamed.  And underneath that I feel angry and and deeper down I feel frightened.

Being a Jew just now is a scary proposition.  I cannot wear anything that identifies me.  My star of David necklace is put away.  I cannot comfortably mention my holidays or my feelings about the war in Israel in mixed company.  I always feel as though I am looking over my shoulder becasue I am the only one like me.

The pictures in the media are constant reminders of exactly what  all of these these terrible, bloodthirsty Jews are capable of.  These bloodthristy Jews who are going overboard in retribution for a massacre  that killed just under 2,000.  Where is the scale here?  What are they doing?  The hostages should be freed by now.

And on and on and on drones the news.

And yet: The U.N. has had difficulty aknowleging that war crimes took place on that day even though people were sexually assaulted and mutilated as they were murdered in their homes and safe places.

Hamas and Hezbollah and Iran are all agreed: The only goal is the eradication of Israel from the face of the earth.

What exactly is Israel supposed to do?

What would any other nation do?

I don’t think this should have ever happened.  Some piece of Israeli intelligence massively screwed up. I think Netanyahu is a bad prime minister and he needs to go.  A great deal of this is his fault.

But all of this bloodshed did happen and it will continue happen as long as Israel exists because it is the only democracy in the Middle East and for some reason I do not understand everyone hates Jews.

I want this to be over.  I know everyone that lives in Israel, Gaza, the West Bank, Lebanon and Iran probably wants this over.

Please, G-d in heaven, let this be over.  Your children, Jewish, Muslim, Christian, they all worship you.  Let them see their not their differences but their similarities.  Let them notice not what belongs to one of them but share openly what belongs to all of them and understand that their homeland is a gift. If they grasp one another by the hand and look into the eys of a neighbor, then they will find peace and then they will see You.

 

 

 

 

I don’t know if anyone is still reading my blog but I have decided to keep writing it for myself if for nothing else.  I guess I am an exhibitionist when it comes to writing.  I just do better work if I think I am writing for an audience.  I suppose that makes me a bit of a Diva, but that is a part of my personality I am well familiar with in any case!

I am tired.  I am really wiped out.  We have been through a lot of change recently, none of it really bad, but between that, going back to work part time and just trying to stay healthy and  I have sort of hit a wall.

It feels as though my nervous system, whatever that is, cannot handle much at once.  I get unbalanced very easily.  I know this is because my body is always struggling,  because I am sick, but understanding it in real time is not clear cut at  all. Or, understanding the effects is not clear cut. I don’t know how to deal with life when I can’t seem to just power through it.

There we go! This now is the thesis of my essay: I don’t know how to deal with life when I can’t seem to just power through it.  (Can you tell I teach rhetoric and composition for a living?).

I was taught to power through by my strong willed mother and by my father, who was often sick when I was growing up.   That combination  influences the way I deal with life and with being unwell physically.

In German there is a great way to express this: “Schaffen, Schaffen, Schaffen.”

That just means, “Work, work, work” in the literal sense but it really is the idea that when there is work to do, whatever that may be, we just do it and do it until it’s done; end of story.  Germans tend to work hard at work and play hard at play.  Americans seem to mix the two, which is I think problematic in its own way.  Both systems have their issues.

I don’t think I am at peace with either system.  I have a hard time with just sitting still and not accomplishing anything.  I always feel there must be something I can get done.  It is like I have to justify my existence.  This is a real problem when on some days I really just need to rest.

I am trying to learn to give myself permission to be at rest and to not second guess how I think the people around me judge my inactivity, which is always an issue for me.  After all, I live with someone who is a devotee of “Schaffen, Schaffen, Schaffen.”

I don’t think I am being judged.  I am judging myself.  I hear lots of old voices in my head saying, “Katie, get off the couch.  Get your ass in gear.  Naps are for the weak. You will feel better if you do ‘X’ .”  Those are loud voices.

I suppose it would make sense to bring this all back to what I started with: change.  Change has been in the air here and with it my routines have been different and thus I have been off kilter and tired.  But, hard ass that I am, I have not given myself much credit for the fact that I am adjusting to new life rhythms.  For instance, I now live with (count them) FIVE dogs, one cat and one bird.   There are four adults living in my abode rather than the previous quiet I was used to.

That all equals change.

Change isn’t bad.  In fact, it can be exciting and stimulating.  But it just seems to wear me out.

I have lost the ability to be flexible in as many ways as I used to be.

I don’t like that.

But, nobody ever asked if I liked any of this shitty health stuff.

It just is.

It is kind of like age.

I don’t like aging and I refuse to do it gracefully.  Fuck that!

I will go kicking and screaming.

And ultimately, change is what keeps us vital.  Without it I would fossilize… so

Viva la Change.