Everything’s Really Confusing

I feel like I should write something.  I am just unsettled.  My health is still up and down.  It always will be.  I try to be more up than down.  I am finally past the urinary tract infection that hung on for two and half months.  And I really hope it stays away.

(There.. that was more personal info. than you wanted, right? )

I have been trying to cut down the amount and number of medications I take but it is rather difficult because I don’t know what I am doing.  One doctor, who I see infrequently, is always telling me how bad all of my medication is for me and how I should stop it but he also tells me he knows more than all of the other doctors so I don’t know what to believe. It makes me feel like I have no damned control.

That is nothing new so I don’t know why I am not used to it by now.

I am confused about medication and I am confused about my own personal future.  For the first time in my life, I don’t have any big plans for the next thing down the road.   I am not planning or striving or pushing myself as hard as I can.  I think quarantine for so many months has just sucked those things right out of me.  I am just doing my thing day to day.

Yesterday I got angry that so many days look the same now.  When it isn’t a work day my husband and I go for a walk or hike somewhere with dogs and then we look for outdoor eating somewhere we don’t have to be close to other people.  That is about all we can do.

We had friends over to our deck once.  That was fun.

Sometimes our children come home.  That is nice.

Other than that, we just stay home.

It’s fine.  I would rather be home than sick.

I don’t want Covid.

I just want to feel a little bit of what we all felt pre-plague.

I guess we will someday.

And now, on November 1, 2020 I feel unsettled and scared and sickened thinking of the election that will take place in two days.  I have already cast my vote.

I already gave my meager monetary offering to the cause of democracy.  But, I have never in my life seen so much anger and hate poured out against people of different colors, beliefs, and ideas as I have seen during this presidency and this election season.

I don’t recognize this country.  I am embarrassed by it.  I am ashamed.  I don’t think there is any excuse for this kind of behavior on the part of anyone: I don’t care which party they want to win or who they are.

We are being drug back into a scarier time.

Why?  This is what confuses me.

Is the racism and and Us vs. Them-ism lurking so close to the surface that when it is given a voice it just rises up and screams and speaks louder than love can… any time, every time?

Was it never really gone?

Maybe it just went to its dark corner and slept.  I don’t know but it can’t have my country and my children’s legacy without a fight.

If darkness and all of its ugly voices that speak of division and hate and “Covid is going away” (WTF the numbers are going up daily!!!!) try to take away legal elections this time; may the Lord have mercy on our souls.

I will not go quietly.  And I think there are a lot of folks who feel the same way I do.

I have fantasized about leaving the country but that really won’t solve the problem.  We have to come together and make it better.  We can’t turn our backs on the ugliness.

We are going to have to make a lot of noise.