I am my own Olympic Event

I am my own Olympic event.


Yesterday was not good.  In fact, it sucked.  My joints burned like fire and I couldn’t really move without the fire spreading.  I was trying to be still with the pain and not let it take me out so I decided I would play Olympics with myself:


“This is Katie Kelfer on the swollen and achy joints high beam.  She is positioning herself   for take-off from the couch.  You can see the precision in her execution as her ass leaves the cushion.  And, watch… YES!  There it is.  She is up. There was a balance check when she hit the floor. That will cost half a point

What will her next move be?  Is it? No… it can’t be…

Yes!  She is going to bathe.  Wow.  No.  I can’t believe it. She’s shaving.  What grace. What finesse…

How does she do it?

Ok now, she is clothed and headed back for the couch.  She is through the prelims and we are wondering if she will get to round two.  Certainly with a performance like that there is definitely hope.  Wait, wait, here she comes now.  Let me interview her,

What did it feel like to move all the way from the couch downstairs to the upstairs bath?

“Well, Larry, I tell ya, it felt like crap.  I thought I could power through and maybe the pain would get better but you know what?  I was wrong.  I am utterly fucked today.  I don’t want to take the hardcore pain meds so I am going to keep moving and see if that helps.”

“You heard her.  Keep moving.  Will it work?  We will see when we are back for round two in the semifinals.”

“Hi, I am Larry Loser here at Taylor Zoo Stadium announcing the women’s connective tissue disease races.  Earlier we watched first time Olympian Katie Kelfer qualify for the semi-finals by moving from the couch and upstairs-through a bath and dressing experience and back to the couch.  There were a few balance issues but her score remains the highest in the category.

In the semi-final round, we had our cameras posted on the snail races to drum up audience approval.  Now, we are back for the connective tissue disease finals.

It’s bed time, folks.  Who can get to sleep first, with the least amount of narcotics?

Katie Kelfer is down by half a point already for whining to her spouse.

Her spouse is asleep and Katie is trying to accomplish the same and achieve the gold.  But it isn’t her night. The pain has turned into hot lava and is pouring, like fire, through her body.  She relents and goes for a small dose of the diluadid.

She reads and tries to focus elsewhere.

But no, it is midnight and relief is too far away.

At last, Kelfer is disqualified from the event.  She takes the second dilaudid  dose at midnight.  Sleep, however, still proves elusive.

She will not be medaling in the event tonight.”

One Reply to “I am my own Olympic Event”

  1. I love the voice in this! It’s a very clever and creative idea – the Olympics. I can see that. This site looks good. One tiny rec – maybe put the date at the beginning of each entry. I kept finding myself wondering when was this written? Is it old like years ago or today or what? Maybe that’s just me. I like the image of the snails race. But also this is very sad – it sucks for you and I am sorry. I think it’s good for you to write about it and I hope it can provide you some relief and help others too. You go girl!

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