Infusing and Bemusing

I am hooked up to my quadruped monster at the moment. That is, I am infusing my subq igg.  I will post about it in a more complete way at a later time.  I even plan to post a link to a video of myself doing the infusion for YouTube.  I hope it might help anyone learning to do their own infusions.  Today I started the infusion relatively late in the day and I tried to hurry. Both of those things were a bad idea.  I screwed up all over the place.  I dripped medicine everywhere and did not have a second syringe prepared when I needed it.  Dumb.

But now that I am hooked up there is nothing I can do but sit here.

Today is not behaving like I want it to.  No, I guess that is untrue.  My body is not behaving.  The day is fine.  It is rather beautiful outside.  I went out with my friend to see her new house under construction. We had lunch out and talked.  I enjoy spending time with her and her house looks like it will be awesome.

But I have been miserable all day.

If you had told me three years ago that I could function semi normally this sick, I would never believe you.  But, now I know there is no damned choice.  No one can really help me.  I have sores all in my mouth and throat and down my windpipe.  I cannot swallow without horrid pain.  My side aches horribly.  I feel run down and shaky. I have fever.  But, I have to push on.

I will be at the Mayo next week and I have to hope that they can help me.  I am out of other options.

I don’t want to go back to any ER’s for help.  It is too difficult.  My family is too shell shocked from my latest round of illnesses.  I need to ‘fake normal’ as best I can until I fly out of here.

But right now, this moment, I want to give up. I want oblivion.

And I don’t think there is any shame in admitting it.

I just can’t have it.

It doesn’t exist.