I am hooked up to my quadruped monster at the moment. That is, I am infusing my subq igg. I will post about it in a more complete way at a later time. I even plan to post a link to a video of myself doing the infusion for YouTube. I hope it might help anyone learning to do their own infusions. Today I started the infusion relatively late in the day and I tried to hurry. Both of those things were a bad idea. I screwed up all over the place. I dripped medicine everywhere and did not have a second syringe prepared when I needed it. Dumb.
But now that I am hooked up there is nothing I can do but sit here.
Today is not behaving like I want it to. No, I guess that is untrue. My body is not behaving. The day is fine. It is rather beautiful outside. I went out with my friend to see her new house under construction. We had lunch out and talked. I enjoy spending time with her and her house looks like it will be awesome.
But I have been miserable all day.
If you had told me three years ago that I could function semi normally this sick, I would never believe you. But, now I know there is no damned choice. No one can really help me. I have sores all in my mouth and throat and down my windpipe. I cannot swallow without horrid pain. My side aches horribly. I feel run down and shaky. I have fever. But, I have to push on.
I will be at the Mayo next week and I have to hope that they can help me. I am out of other options.
I don’t want to go back to any ER’s for help. It is too difficult. My family is too shell shocked from my latest round of illnesses. I need to ‘fake normal’ as best I can until I fly out of here.
But right now, this moment, I want to give up. I want oblivion.
And I don’t think there is any shame in admitting it.
I just can’t have it.
It doesn’t exist.