As per my last post, things are still not running smoothly in Katie-land. But, I don’t imagine that they ever will. This is the life of a person with chronic illness. It goes up, down and sideways. The up periods feel pretty short and fairly few between. The down parts feel very, awfully, and uncontrollably down.
I would say that sideways is the most common state of being for me.
Right now, I am sliding sideways and headed down. I have to have two more nasty bits of surgery on my biliary system. It does not drain correctly at all. It just sits there, stewing in its own juices. So, they need to open it up and stick in some new stents and actually make a slice in my pancreas this time.
There are risks and it will definitely be very, very painful.
I’m scared. I have heard all of the warnings from my doctor. They are dire and frightening. I could develop a life threatening infection.
All I know is, I can’t really live the way I am now. Constant, slamming pain and the inability to eat much of anything, is not really a life.
I titled this entry ‘Acceptance’ because that is where I have landed today. I have been headed there for a week, screaming and kicking. But today I saw my therapist and we talked about all the irrational stuff going on in my head and we agreed I was entitled to be irrational about it all because it sucks.
You don’t choose to step in front of an oncoming train because you know, in the end, it will make you feel better.
That is what this feels like.
Also, she and I agreed I could make tons of nit picky lists of stuff that I felt were necessary to keep the house, pets, children and world in general running while I am out of commission. I am doing just that. I started with a list of how to’s for my 14 year old son. He is complicated; as is any 14 year old boy.
We also talked about pain, chronic pain and the sort of post procedure blues or blackness that I always seem to fall prey to at some point after a surgery or hospital stay. I end up in a place so awful it feels like I will never come back out.
But now, I think if I can accept that the horrible, black, nothingness and pain is coming for me and that I will live through it, maybe it won’t be so frightening.
Maybe I can share with my husband ahead of time what that feels like and he will know that all I need is a hug.
So, acceptance.
In a way, it feels spiritual. I don’t mean that I accept all of this because G–d planned it for me: NO WAY. I want to be clear here. I don’t believe in a G–d that plans for his creatures to suffer as a way to learn. I just mean, for the first time in a long, long, time, I think maybe the Divine has my back going into this.
Whatever happens is okay. I don’t have to fight it.
As Jews we are known as the people of the book and the people of the covenant. I know that people suffer and die all the time. My struggles are minuscule on a grand scale. But, they are mine, and I am Known and loved by Adonai; the One who chooses to be in a giving, covenantal relationship with His creation.
It doesn’t get any better than that.