Let’s see… I am supposed to be thinking of all the things for which I am grateful, right? How sweet.
But we all know the real goal of Thanksgiving: overindulging in foods we don’t normally eat or cook.
That was certainly what it meant to me for many years. In the days leading up to Thanksgiving I would worry that I was: A. prepared for my part in the feast; B. psyched up and out about what I could and could not eat. I even did the weight watchers thing where you visualize your plate as 3/4 full of veggie and one quarter full of goodies.
The weight watchers idea is a good one but I always took it too far. I worried about the shape of the plate: width and diameter. And it didn’t matter in the end what shape the plate was or how well I had done, I always, always, felt defeated.
Food has been my nemesis for as long as I can remember.
I suppose that is why Thanksgiving is just not my favorite holiday. I eat a restricted diet now, with no gluten, low fat and very little meat, but I still have trouble with my weight.. I have spoken to many doctors and the honest ones have told me that all the medications I have had to take the last few years have severely messed up my ability to metabolize calories; something I was never stellar at to begin with.
So, I am locked in a war with myself. It seems I cannot accept this version of me. Being this heavy, for whatever reason, means I am a failure.
I have spoken with several of my doctors about some sort of bariatric surgery and most have told me that my crappy immune system will not do well and I will create a monster that could infect and kill me.
That makes me mad.
So what to do besides trying to eat well and exercise, which I do most of the time.
I am back to the grateful thing.
I think my relationship with myself requires that I finally accept me the way I am… even now. I tend to talk to myself in pretty nasty terms. I have been pretty irritated with my body, especially the last few years. On top of everything else, I am overweight and feel really, really bad about it. So, I berate myself and punish myself and think about how hellish I look.
What is really going on is a bid for control of my body. The body that is sick and hurts all the time and is fatigued and doesn’t do what I want it to.
Plus, I thought if your health was less that ideal, you were supposed to look all frail and thin:) Not Me!
I have decide to start loving myself by eating what I need and what is healthy and no more. I am not going to use food as a weapon against myself.
I am also going to work on being grateful for this body I have; all of it. I have to accept the shape that I am and love it or I will never love myself in other shapes.
Oh, but it is hard!!!
Mirrors and photos are the pits but I am trying to remember: grateful, grateful.
If I wake up and I am not in the hospital and I am able to get out of bed; it s a good day.
So, this Thanksgiving, as I cook the turkey and make the stuffing, I am going to try and be grateful I am able to stand up and get the job done. I will reward myself by being kind to myself and dressing nice, putting on my make-up and eating what I need and no more.
That is the best I can do.
I will be grateful for the health and the body G–D has given me and I will be grateful for all the wonderful things in this world: None of which have to do with the size of my butt!