Finding The Light In The Dark

I have bad vision in the dark.  I mean, my eyes just don’t adjust quickly.  I bump into walls and fall over things and generally make a mess of it.  But when you sleep with another person and several beasts you don’t want to wake everyone so you try to be as quiet and stealthy as possible.  Well, that and the fact that my husband is one of these people that starts when he is wakened.  His reaction is “WHATTTTT?????? WHAT IS HAPPENING?  !!!!!”

It is so dramatic that I hate to be the person that brings it on.  I feel cruel.

So, most of the time I just stumble around in the dark and do my best not to fall.

I think that is all most of us can do.

Over the last couple of months I have been doing quite a bit of stumbling in the dark.  I have been groping my way towards the light but it seems as soon as I reach it the lights go off of their own accord.  It is infuriating. I refuse to believe I can’t find the light so I keep stumbling around, hands out, and muttering to myself.

I notice others around me seem to be walking in full sun.  It feels as though it is just me walking in the shadows.

Every once in a while I come to the edge of the darkness and I see the light and step into the very edge of it and think, “Ah, this is so easy, why haven’t I walked out this way before? ”  Then, without meaning to, I walk back towards the shade, because it’s cool and familiar, and before I know it, I am back in the dark.

I know the reasons for my attraction to the dark just now: I’m sad.

Someone I love is dying and I know all too well what it means and what it feels like and I just don’t want to be here.  I don’t want to feel it or hear it or think about it…. but I have to.

I know the other reasons too.  I am still recovering from the blow my body took in surgery and I don’t like to aknowledge that.  I am having a lupus flare and it has taken me several weeks to even figure it out.  I hide things from myself.  Maybe that is why I stumble around?

I prefer light.  Light is where I think living happens.  Living is the reason we are here.  Losing a loved one is a good reminder that we should celebrate the hell out of every day: Right?

I think so.

I think I will run into the sunshine.

Care to join me?