Pajamas are the new denim

You see what I did there, right?

I have been watching way too many episodes of “Orange is the new Black.”  I finished season one late last night.

I have to say that I identify much too strongly with that show.  Perhaps that is a sign of depression or a sign of collective misery or something.  I don’t know. I just seem to love the drama.  Which is interesting in and of itself, because usually that sort of drama is a big turn off for me.  Weird.

I don’ t feel like me just now.  I feel like a husk of collected atoms that used to comprise the person I called me.

I am still struggling with the pain and hell of whatever the fuck is happening to my liver or not my liver.  If it isn’t my liver, it is just pain for no reason.  If so, let’s get on with it and send me to the loony bin where I belong.

Put me in the “Shoe” as they call solitary confinement on the show.  While there, I can think about all the ways I have done wrong and maybe come out reformed.

Or, maybe they will send me to the rooms with the special leather strapped beds.  I dunno.

Either way, I am there, with those women, in that make believe show about a prison.  I am an inmate.

I had a disturbing looping nightmare the other night.  My father, who has been dead for twenty years, was my chief confidant in life.  In the dream I am trying to call him from a pay phone.  I can hear him come on and pick up the line but then that voice cuts in “This is a call from a federal correctional facility, please press one to continue”
And I hear my dad’s voice and he says, “I can’t, baby.”

I had a friend who was in the federal pen for seven long years.  I stayed in touch with him.  I tried to always answer his calls.  I know what those calls are like.  They are limited to fifteen minutes in real life.  Also, the inmates can only use the phones at certain times of the day and certain times of the week.

The TV show makes it look too easy.

My subconscious, it seems, knows the truth.

I need to make a phone call from out of my cell and I just don’t have a number of where to call or a name.

I’ll stop now.


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