Today has reminded me of some things:
1. I am incredibly stubborn.
2. I am a perfectionist.
3. I expect the people around me to live up to my crazy high standards.
4. Items 1-3 can be assets or negatives depending on how they are handled
Since I have been a sick-o I have had to learn to be more forgiving of myself and others. It has never been an easy thing.
In fact, I have to learn it over and over again.
The last week, as we have come off of vacation and back to real life and all its myriad of weird shit stuff to solve: dead car, car that was hit in front of house by drunk driver, and… oh! my son has West Nile virus but will be fine, NO WORRIES!!! I have hit the ground running.
I have doggedly refused to admit defeat in the face of my own weakness. Somehow, I always think that if I sleep enough every night, I will somehow prevail and it won’t catch up to me.
Well, that’s dumb.
My previous entry details that I am all infected at the moment.
But hey, the dr. gave me prednisone. Prednisone gives me crazy energy. I run and run and then collapse in a heap.
So today we went out to solve the car issue. We sold one and bought one.
It took ALL DAY.
Tonight, I wanted to go to a family party.
However, it was/is patently obvious to the people I live with that I am out of vroom, vroom.
My daughter and husband looked at me and said, “no.”
I was irritated.
I was aghast.
How presumptive of them.
Well, fuck that noise!
Oh yeah, they’re right.
I am a mess.
I think;albeit very, very slowly, that I am learning that having limits does not mean that I am less than or that I am completely broken.
It means that I am partially broken (which I hate) and that if I want to do stuff, I have to pay attention to the screaming voices inside of me that say, “slow down!”
When I don’t, I get irritated, not just with myself, but with everyone, for not doing my bidding.
I become tired, in pain, short tempered and really, really hard to live with.
I am not saying I am the only one at my home that gets that way: I’m not.
But, being that I seem to have the job of maintaining that calm center at the heart of my home, I cannot do it when I am too sick to operate.
It isn’t fair to me or to anyone else.
All of this brings me to the reason and I cannot go to the party tonight even though I am aching to go.
Pushing has horrible consequences; for me, and for everyone in my family.
I get that.
I finally get that.
That doesn’t mean it won’t happen but it is a very deep thing to finally understand and move towards acceptance.
I have to understand that there is a point beyond all reason where I cannot go. If I go there, the consequences are usually dire. I don’t get to make that call anymore. Chronic illness took that from me.
And, it isn’t giving it back… no matter how much I want it to.
That’s a bitch. It really is.
I can totally identify. Acceptance comes in stages; in four steps back, half a step forward. A day of peace, then two of struggle. Where I try my best to keep eyes on this day, this hour — and then on good days not to rest too comfortably or forget that which was so hard fought for. Praying for you in the battle.
Yes, April… I agree totally with “this day, this hour.” I have been practicing mindfulness. Rather than seeing the bad or the undone or the chore list, I keep reminding myself to see the way the cat’s whiskers move or the dog smiles.
Yes, you would know, April! I am so stupid and at replying to these comments. I forget they are there. I really appreciate your prayers and your comment, comrade!
Thank you for sharing this. I need to learn this too. It is so hard to remember I have use even when I am sick. And that I cannot push to the point where we all pay for my pain and fatigue.
I just don’t think our culture lends itself well to be ‘less than.’ We are always busy, always running. Suddenly, when you just can’t do it anymore, it is a huge thing.
Well you seem to see and understand and acknowledge and that’s half the battle. Yes we all have limits! Perfectionism and stubbornness – can you think of one person this has really helped? Don’t do it! I think you actually ARE coping very well – just dealing with a car is enough to drive anyone batty! Hang in there!! Love and kisses!