The Tooth Fairy


Throughout my life, I have had very vivid dreams (some would call them psychedelic).  The only time they went away was when I was drugged into a stupor and too sick to have an internal life. 

Now,  that I  am not too drugged; I am still kinda sick but at least my dreams are back. 

Last night I had one that is reoccuring but I have not had it for some time.  Let me wander off here and give some background: 

 I believe very strongly that our subconscious throws things we are having trouble with up at us during the hours we are asleep, as dreams, and if we can pick them apart, there is something to be discovered about our reality: good or bad or indifferent. 

The bad/scary dreams that reoccur, at least for me, do not go away until I figure them out and do something about whatever it is I am supposed to be learning from them, in my day to day life. 

Does this sound complicated? Strange?  Woo Woo? 

Welcome to my husband’s life:)

If I could draw or even put clip art into my essays this is where I would put in a picture of a very scary looking version of a Grimm’s fairy tale type elf, maybe like Rumplestiltskin, and just leave him here on the page, between the paragraphs. 

(Imagine a scary elf man with fairy wings here.  He is wearing a too tight t-shirt over a hairy paunchy belly that says, “I’m the effing tooth fairy. Get over it, kids.”  He has yellow, sharp teeth.)

Ok, back to the main event here: 

The dream is always similar and last night it went like this…

I wake up one morning and notice one of my front teeth has fallen out.  I find it on the bed next to me. This makes me panic and call for my mom.  After I show her what has happened, I realized that a bunch more teeth on the bottom are also  loose and that several spots in my mouth hurt like hell.  

My mom starts thinking aloud (because that is how she thinks)  about which dentist to take me to. I grew up next door to our local dentist’s mom and for years and years I babysat his kids and he was my dentist. (This part is real.) 

For some reason I told my mom I didn’t think David (our dentist friend) could help me.  So mom, who I suddenly, in the ways of the dreaming, realized is dead, told me we would go to someone good in San Antonio.  We lived a bit outside the city in the hill country. 

After I remembered she is dead, and I am a damned adult, I started to lose more teeth and I felt really hopeless and depressed. 

So, next I decided to tell my husband, Stan, that I had a sort of emergency. 

Only then, (dreams are so damned weird) did I realize we were still living in New Jersey. Stan said I probably needed oral surgery and to go to one of the better hospitals and he would meet me later.  

Somehow my mom got ressurected, (She was very much alive and often with us in New Jersey) and she got all freaked out because we didn’t know which hospital was best there.  

I was freaking out too.  The longer we debated, the  more my teeth fell out. I could hardly talk without it being obvious and I was scared to death to open my mouth because more of them might just fall on the floor. 

Then, just as in the other hundreds of times I have had the tooth dream, I awoke or my brain overloaded, I don’t know.  All I know is that the issue was never solved. 

I woke up and ran my tongue around my mouth feeling for my teeth. 

They were all there. 

So, what does this stupid, anxiety causing, sweat through the sheets, dream have to do with my life? 

I think I know but I am not really happy about it.  

#1. I have Mommy issues:)   Yeah. No excrement, Sherlock!  I miss my parents and I miss my aunt and I miss being their baby.  I don’t like adulting without a safety net. For years they were not a safety net in the financial way.  Actually, it was the other way around. But, in the emotional sense, I was always welcome to call and talk about ANYTHING.  I got huge doses of nonjudgmental love from them all of my life, well, certainly from mom and dad, and I miss that. 

My job now is to do that for my children.  Again, back to the adulting thing. Damn. I have been doing it for a long, long time.  I am, after all, middle aged. But, I never felt really old until I was middle aged, sick, and had no parents: THAT JUST BLOWS. 


#2. I am responsible for part of the budget at home and I have always been more than ok with that.  I prefer to work. However, in 2011 I became so effing sick I had to go on disability. Well, guess what? Disability isn’t enough money to really make a difference.  I now have my second child in college. I also have a crap ton of medical debt and debt from child #1’s undergraduate degree. My husband earns a really great living. He is amazing and he brings home a great deal of bacon.  However, even he cannot handle all that has happened to us over the years. It is too much. So, I am now working a mere 15 hours a week as a writing tutor for the local community college. It is frustrating as hell. 

I am overqualified and ridiculously stupid with the IT I am supposed to keep learning.  It makes me want to scream.  

#3. Here is the real problem and the reason my teeth are metaphorically falling out in my dreams. 

I can’t hack it. I am tired and worn to a frazzle.  I have responsibilities at home. I am learning to let them go but for now I still have them.  We have four pets. We have a niece at home that I have been tutoring through her law school application process for months.  We have kiddos that call mom every day (which I am great with). And, I still have doctor appointments and procedures, even though I am doing better. 

It all feels like too much.  

I am barely able to pick up my feet on many days.  I dread the days I have to go to work. It isn’t so much the work as the getting up and getting there and getting home and being wiped out.  It eats my entire day and many days I barely make it. 

But, I have no choice just now.  


I am trying, with all the energy I can spare; to find a way to work on my own schedule. 

I have learned over the last year about the law school application process.  This is what I have been coaching my niece through. I am meeting with a friend of hers who has been through the process and has UT connections, next week.  Maybe I can find a few clients. These people pay a lot of money to folks for help and I can do the work… well. 


So, maybe something can happen there… I don’t know.  


I want to get a book published.  

I have lots and lots of ideas and plans but they go nowhere when I am operating at a low level….

What do I do about it?  

Do I just let my  teeth fall out? 

Do I see the dentist? 

Who is “the dentist?” 



Do I even have any idea? 


 I don’t really know.  I just know that writing this down has forced me to be honest in ways I have been afraid to be honest.  


Now I am afraid to post it to my blog.  


Who else has these issues and is chronically ill/tired/over cooked? 


Any suggestions? 


Self help group? 


Primal whine? 

I dunno. 

I just hope I quit having the damned dream.  



4 Replies to “The Tooth Fairy”

  1. Do not stop blogging and writing! Yes – get this published. I’ll think about people I know who could help you. Do you have an Instagram account or snapchat? I’d like to show yiu some stuff on those that might be inspiration to get your voice noticed — cuz it’s a GOOD ONE and I know there are lots of folks who’d be so inspired and interested in what you have to say.

    Dreams are so interesting – I’ve heard anecdotally that losing teeth in a dream is a common trope. I remember your mom, she was pretty cool. Thinking of you. I want to hear more about your job.

    Lot s of love and hugs,


    1. Thanks, Amy. I really appreciate it. I just saw this because I usually only get comments from trolls. I am really not sure about publicizing this. I agree though about needing to put it out there more forcefully in terms of social media. I am just lazy. Who do you know that might be helpful? How are you doing with both kids home? I am sort of sad my kids aren’t here but also grateful. I talk to both of them multiple times a day and Lauren (cousin/niece) is here and she has been a handful. I hope you guys are holding up well.

    2. Thanks so much, Amy. It means a lot that you always read my work. I have finally gotten it together (yeah quarantine:( and can start editing all of the entries in the blog and choose which stay, which go and where, when and how I will write clever (I hope) introductions and transitions in between. I figure there is no time like the present. Besides, after Lauren moves out, we will truly be childless, except for the four furry children. And, you know, Stan isn’t the sort to sit around and talk. In an effort not to go stark raving mad I think I will focus more on my writing… so… there. It is gonna happen. Let’s talk sometime… I would love it if maybe you would read my book or parts of it as an editor. Also, any people you can scare up would be great. I know nothing of the publishing side of things. Hugs!

    3. I know you wrote this a while ago but it gets me thinking again. I have been so unnerved and overwhelmed when I have tried to coordinate this into a book. I have an outline of sorts but when I look back through it all some of it is so awful that I can’t bear to read it and/or it is embarassing. I really appreciate your encouragement. Now that we are looking at the light at the end of the Covid tunnel, maybe I can actually do this. I have had mucho writers block for over a month now and I am hoping I can overcome it on vacation. I was so glad to see you before the spring semester started. Let’s make get togthers a regular thing!

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